because I fear.

By Emani Brown aka lulo.

my boyfriend knows of the issues I have
and supports me the best he can.
and it’s not that I can’t tell him anything
but I can’t tell him everything
I don’t want to scare him.

I don’t speak about the racing thoughts &
suicidal tendencies
            because his mind is too pure to corrupt
           with worry.
                      I don’t tell him about the impulses and
                      purposeful starvation
                                 about the want to throw away every pill
                                 like it’s a grade school crush
                                        about how each day my mind goes blank
                                        and I become numb because
this mental disease is the only thing to
stay by my side.

He says he’s here through thick and thin
but he doesn’t know that I still crave
to be in and
if he was to notice that I was pushing him
away for the sake of my insanity
he’d leave my life and prove the darkness
right.

I don’t want the demons on the wall
mocking me.

That’s why he only knows about my illness
and not its severity
because if he knew that it pushes me to
leave him
I fear that he’d really leave me.