By Emani Brown aka lulo.
my boyfriend knows of the issues I have
and supports me the best he can.
and it’s not that I can’t tell him anything
but I can’t tell him everything
I don’t want to scare him.
I don’t speak about the racing thoughts &
because his mind is too pure to corrupt
I don’t tell him about the impulses and
about the want to throw away every pill
like it’s a grade school crush
about how each day my mind goes blank
and I become numb because
this mental disease is the only thing to
stay by my side.
He says he’s here through thick and thin
but he doesn’t know that I still crave
to be in and
if he was to notice that I was pushing him
away for the sake of my insanity
he’d leave my life and prove the darkness
I don’t want the demons on the wall
That’s why he only knows about my illness
and not its severity
because if he knew that it pushes me to
I fear that he’d really leave me.