A Note to Self

by Sha-Keiya Culzac

An apology is long overdue
I apologize
For all the years
I didn’t appreciate you
For all the years
I kept you hidden
I kept your magic
a secret
When you deserved
Much more
I apologize
For all the pain
and suffering
I let you endure
For letting people
Use you and abuse you
like a drug
And while you were stuck
taking care of lil boys
disguised as men
High off sativa
Whoever asked you if you’re

Are you okay?
I apologize for feeling sorry
for you
When there were people
Facing way worse than you
I apologize for
Feeling like the whole world
Was on your shoulders
When you didn’t even

Know what half felt like
You’ve battled some dark days
You’ve fallen victim to your anxiety
You opened and shared
Your pain to others
Only to endure more
You’ve cried more times than
You can count
But your nights are no
Longer the same
Your no longer
kept up at night
Six feet under
Struggling to breathe
Crying yourself to sleep
Darkness no longer
Engulfs you
He no longer comes
And digs his claws
Deep into your flesh
Whispering ghastly thoughts
Into your ear
I truly apologize
But I regret
None of it
The 5’3, slim-build
Caramel young woman
I’ve consistently looked
at in the mirror
She is who she is
Now because I
Haven’t always protected her
I needed all of it
Every high
Every low
It didn’t kill you

It made you stronger
I’ve now been able to
Reach God
I speak to him now
More than ever
I know that he is
Guiding me
And protecting me
Through him I will become the

Best me

I understand your scars now
I have a true appreciation
For them
For you can’t
Appreciate the light
Until you’ve met
Face to face
With darkness
So I apologize
But I am no longer