A mother’s cry

By Shakeiya Culzac

A poem in dedication to my aunt who committed suicide

Tonight, I lie awake
Gasping for air- unable to breathe
Oh wait, I’m holding my breath
Silence fills the room
Loud and clear
I hear screams, and cries for help
But then I realize those sounds
Come from within me
Go away, leave me alone
Let me live

Tonight I lie awake
But this time, I sit in the dark
I hear the sound of a knife cutting paper
Deep deeper, deeper
Till the blood is drawn
I take my knife and slit my wrist
Drip, drip, drip
As the blood runs down my hands
Onto my white rug, and my white satin sheets
But tonight, tonight I didn’t die

I cry, but everyone around seems to be deaf
Deaf, sometimes I can’t hear anything but my own thoughts
I’m drowning, I’m drowning
The tears pour over
It’s too much
My eyes can no longer contain them
No one sees me drowning
As if I were dust
A shadow
I’m invisible, its okay I know
You don’t have to tell me
I’m nothing but empty space
I know I deserve it

Tonight, I just want to die
Its okay I won’t feel a thing
I feel everything
Everything you can’t
That empty yet so heavy feeling I get in the pit of my stomach
Weighing me down
Today I just can’t get out of bed
Deep down I feel –lonely
I’m dead without a gunshot
My body’s here with you
But my mind is locked away in solitude
Who will miss me
Surely not you

Death come to me, release me from my pain
Faster and Faster, hurry
Until it all slows down
Until my heart stops beating,
I just want someone to say I see you
I see you
I see a mother, with her beautiful baby
To everyone she is strong
But I see her, pain
I see her burning, burning
Burn the flesh, the skin
Burn away the pain

She cant take it anymore
Tonight she surrenders to the misery
Don’t let it–
Don’t cry–
No its too late
She takes the revolver and she puts it to her baby’s chest
And she whispers
“Close your eyes baby, comfort is near”
And she pulls the trigger
Then she puts it to her head.